gossip steals your sovereignty

talk is easy, action is hard

The Secret by Fabîan Perez

When I let people pass me because I am walking slower than them on the streets, and the words in their conversation drift past my head in a cloudy haze, I hear them speaking intently — as if a force outside of them is possessing them — about the lives of others. What other people do or not do, what other people say or do not say, what other people think (vs. what they should think), and of course: all of the ways other people are being irresponsible and could be doing better.

It makes sense that we are all nearly addicted to gossip. The primary stream of information most people consume is, after all, social media: a simple, endless window of constant information streaming a live feed of everyone else’s lives. Gossip gives you the chance to talk about something that doesn’t demand anything from you; no exertion, no intention, no thought, no effort, no responsibility. Which highlights the crux of why I think gossip is such a distraction: indulging in gossip—commenting on the drama of other people’s lives—is a way to defer your own responsibility, what you need to face within your life. Discussing drama, engaging in gossip, is a convenient, stimulating, shadowy way out of facing your own problems, and it has the added (albeit temporary, illusory) bonus of making you feel like you have done something pseudo productive and possibly even virtuous? Which is: elaborating on all the ways other people could be doing better, pointing out where they are coming up short.

Gossip has this way of making you feel like you are doing something useful—you are, after all, applying yourself to solve or at least speculate on the problems of other people. It feels like you are somehow making the choices you are asserting those people should have made, doing the things you say they should be doing. But in truth, gossip couldn’t be farther from doing something useful or virtuous. To gossip is to pay attention to the lives of others, pointing out what they should/could be doing if they were more astute, responsible, righteous, sensitive to others, while all the areas you could be doing the same are cast aside. Because doing the right thing is hard! And gossiping is delightfully easy. The irony is that the things we look away from are exactly the things that others could (and likely do) speculate on or gossip about us for. But it’s much easier to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves than it is to take it; there is so much that we would like to just turn away from, not notice, not face fully. Because it’s hard to pay attention to how you can do better in your own life, when talking about how someone else can do better is so, so easy.

gossip as escapism

As I have started to pay more attention to the texture of my life, I have noticed that when I am uncomfortable or when there is something that I want to avoid, I will regulate myself to the experience of others: I’ll pull out my phone, absorb myself with what is happening to others, or talk/think about someone close to me, outlining their problems and the oh-so-obvious “solutions” that are right in front of them in my head. Why can’t they see what I see? I’ll then wonder. I even feel a little hit of satisfaction from this act; as though I have done something effective in indulging myself in psychologically ‘solving’ the problems of others. But that temporary hit of satisfaction is quickly replaced by a deeper, more permanent feeling of remorse and subtle dread for not looking at what was demanding energy in my own life, not facing what was waiting for me at the end of that diversion. I also feel even less equipped to handle my problems, because my energy is at least partially drained from futilely expending it on pondering the content of others’ lives, instead of more seriously looking my own.

I’ve written before about letting others make their mistakes and focusing on your own. The point of this suggestion is not to let others make mistakes on purpose — it is to localize your attention on the primary thing you can control: your actions, your mistakes, the apologies you can make (or accept), and ultimately: the responsibility you can take in your life!

I’ve always intuitively known that it’s not great to gossip or discuss the lives of others, and I’ve known that it doesn’t do much for me to go on my phone and consume information/media about others, but now I feel like I’ve finally figured out the “why” that makes it that much easier to stop, which is: gossip is a distraction that drains me of the energy I need to be responsible, virtuous and sovereign in my own life.

I feel less equipped to face the demands life has for me when I unnecessarily exert my energy on other people’s lives—without having a way (or making a sincere attempt) to positively impact those people—just spewing empty words and thoughts that won’t get translated into action.

A note to the reader: I’d like to note that comforting a friend or sharing legitimate, conscious concerns about someone with someone else who can level with you and validate/interrogate your degree of concern is different than what I’m talking about here; which is empty-talk gossip, media consumption about others, and indulging in drama with no real virtue or meaningful end attached to it.

becoming the King or Queen of your life

I’ve been learning a lot about archetypes lately—and the one I have spent the most time focused on is the King archetype, largely informed by how it is described in Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette’s well-known book on the masculine archetypes, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, and their follow-up book The King Within. I’ll be releasing a more detailed guide exploring the archetypes soon, which you can sign up to get when it is published here.

One of the cornerstone qualities of a King is that they know where their realm begins and ends. They understand the boundaries of their responsibilities. They understand what is needed of them, how to take care of themselves, their people, their community. They conserve their energy for what is under their control, so that they can show up fully and intentionally in the areas that they rule over. This necessarily means not getting involved in what is outside of their realm, what is outside the “borders” of their world.

In short: to be a good King (or Queen), you must focus your energy on what is under your control — on what you can impact, and ultimately, what you are responsible for taking care of. A good King does not spend their days talking about what another realm or ruler should be doing, or speaking ill of someone in their community to someone else. Instead, a good King goes to the person directly if they need to bring something to their attention. They address this privately, consciously, lovingly, and thoughtfully. A good King does not judge or criticize others aimlessly. He lets people know how they can do better by modelling the values he wants to see in his realm himself.

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Even writing this out, it’s like: yeah, obviously a King doesn’t gossip. Why would he? He has things to do, an entire kingdom to rule! Why would he spend his precious time speculating or speaking ill of the ways that others act? He simply does not have the time or energy for that. He has bigger duties to tend to, better places to put his energy.

But this is true for all of us. In one way or another, we are all the rulers of a realm—the realm that is our lives. We all have responsibilities that are more grand and important than empty discourse about someone, whose life you likely don’t have enough visibility into to even assert a meaningful take about, especially compared to your own. There is quite literally no one you could give better advice to than yourself, and that advice would be completely actionable, but we tend to avoid doing this because talking about others is easy and taking responsibility for ourselves is hard.

But the King is willing to do hard things. The King is willing to act—the King is willing to face what is calling his attention to do what is needed before looking away, or judging someone else for not doing what he himself is also avoiding…

The shadow poles of the King (when this archetype shows up unconsciously, or in a wounded state) are the Weakling and the Tyrant—the weakling hides from responsibility, does not do what is needed in the realm, looks away as duty calls, and as a result: allows chaos to erupt. When the weakling is active, the kingdom descends into disorder and the structure crumbles, mirroring the inner state of the King, which is weak, unable to bear what is needed to protect his realm. The tyrant on the other hand is the abuser of power — the King that is unnecessarily cruel, harsh and overuses the control he has to do what he wants, instead of what the realm needs.

We don’t want to embody the weakling or the tyrant—and gossiping behind someone’s back is weakling behaviour, while pointing out someone’s faults in front of others or embarrassing them is tyrant behaviour, an immature and unnecessary act of cruelty. King behaviour is to consciously address a problem you have with someone directly (if you actually have a problem with them), and to resist the urge to occupy your consciousness with their drama if you do not. Gossip is shadow behaviour, while taking responsibility for yourself (or helping a friend who is struggling to) is King behaviour, embodying the archetype in its fullness.

If you’re tempted to talk about the lives of others to avoid facing the material of your own, use that temptation as an opportunity to face what you are avoiding. As an invitation inwards. Each day, you get to decide how you you want to show up in your life: do you want to be a sovereign leader of your realm, or do you want to be slipping into the shadow side of that same sovereignty, avoiding responsibility and looking away from what calls you? If your answer is the former, the easiest way to show up powerfully, earnestly, and responsibly in your world is to focus on what is asking for your attention in your own life and placing your energy there—instead of exhausting yourself by endlessly talking about the details of others’ lives (which you have limited knowledge of!). It feels good to take care of your realm, to lean into responsibility, because you end up reaping the rewards of doing so; living in a world that is full of order and ease, instead of wading through unmet demands that were neglected as you looked away and indulged in criticizing someone else. When you focus on what you can do more of instead of bemoaning what others are or are not doing, you begin to embody sovereignty in its fullness, shaping you into a more fully integrated King or Queen in your life.

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Related essays you might enjoy: want what you have, one thing at a time, let people make their mistakes, stop hiding from your power, on being selective. Follow me on Twitter for my daily thoughts.