self image
Why is it that some people are so happy, and others so unhappy, in virtually the same circumstances?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and have finally come to an answer I feel satisfied with: self image. I believe that how we see ourselves is the most important factor (within our control) determining how we experience the world.
“We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.”— Rabbi Shemuel ben Nachmani
What we see in ourselves, we see in the world—it is a canvas for our projection. To see this, just watch two different people process the same things, or consider how different versions of your past self would process the same inputs. A cloudy, rainy day might be “cozy, warm, delightful—a reason to stay inside and be with friends” or “dreary, dark, depressing, isolating and cold” depending on your state of mind, how you relate to yourself in that moment. Another easy example is alone time: some people cannot wait to hang out with themselves, while others cannot think of a more frightening way to spend their time.
Anais Nin captures this perception disparity well:
“Lillian was bewildered by the enormous discrepancy which existed between Jay’s models and what he painted. Together they would walk along the same Seine river, she would see it silky grey, sinuous and glittering, he would draw it opaque with fermented mud, and a shoal of wine bottle corks and weeds caught in the stagnant edges.”
When we get frustrated or upset with how things are going, our first impulse tends to be to criticize and inspect our circumstances—the people around us, their actions, our environment—the inputs in our life. But we (or, at least, I) often fail to look closely at the one constant across all of our experiences: ourselves. We are the prism we pass the world through, and as a result, how we see ourselves is perhaps the most important variable affecting our experience of the world.
what is in us is what spills out
There was this analogy my gymnastics coach shared with me when I was younger that stuck with me. I can’t cite it exactly, but it went something like: when someone bumps into a person holding a mug, whatever is inside the mug is what spills out. Similarly, when someone bumps into us—agitates us, jolts us, does something unexpected—whatever is inside us spills out into the world, too.
If you bump into a happy person, joy and forgiveness spill out. If you bump into an angry person, anger and negativity spill out.
self image is a magnet
By extension, we become a magnet for the energy we release, simply because like attracts like—people want to be around others who match their energy.
A happy, grateful, abundance-focused person has all this goodness in their orbit because that is what they give the world, and thus the energy they pull in from others. Negative, unhappy people don’t always want to be around happy people because it highlights the disparity in their inner state so strikingly. They would rather be around someone who can mirror them—someone who also has a negative, angry take on the world. So, that is whom they attract. Thus: negativity and anger attract more negativity and anger. Scarcity attracts scarcity. Abundance attracts abundance. Positivity and optimism attract each other, too. The feelings we have about ourselves—the pillars of our self image—are the pillars of our experience, independent of what comprises it. In short:
Our self image represents how we feel about ourselves
How we see the world is a reflection of our self image (so the world looks like whatever we see in ourselves)
We act in a way that matches our perception of the world
We attract what we release into the world
This loop continues (i.e. poor self image > the world sucks > act like the world sucks > attract people who also think the world sucks > confirm your belief that the world sucks > repeat)
So, whatever we want to attract, we need to first fortify our self image with. By doing this, we will see more of these traits in the world around us.
Another note: positive self image may be the most important thing to look for in a partner, because other than your own self image, the biggest impact on how you see the world might be how your partner sees the world—which is a reflection of their self image.
self image isn’t static → know when to dodge influence
It is worth noting that we are not immutable sculptures. We shape shift often. When we are in a phase of evolving (i.e. when we are not sure of ourselves), we become much more vulnerable. In those times, we should focus on fortifying our self image from within rather than trying to prop ourselves up based on external feedback. During those times, things can feel more painful, or significant, compared to when we are feeling sure of ourselves. The gaps in our mental armour will be filled with feedback we get from the world—those opinions hardening into our self image. So, when your self image feels soft or fragile, it’s worth being mindful of what you do and who you are around.
strong self image protects you from bad AND good
An under-explored component of self image is how it protects you from both the bad and the good. A common misconception is that good fortune is purely good. As in: more money, more status, more fame, more fortune make life better. But this notion dismisses impermanence. Good fortune feels good when it comes to you, but it can be taken away just as easily as it has been granted—and the more we let good fortune influence us, the more pain we feel on its way out. Thus, it is only when you develop a strong self image independent of your wealth, status, money, power, public perception, that you actually become fortunate.
No quote describes the impermanence of fortune better than this excerpt from the Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius. The context: “Fortune” is personified as the narrator, and is lecturing Boethius, a man who “had it all” and has now lost it all. He is desperately trying to regain his fortune, and Fortune is trying to explain that what he is trying to regain was not, and is not, his. It is the wrong thing to focus on:
“Wealth, honours and the like are all under my jurisdiction. They are my servants and know their mistress. When I come, they come with me, and when I go, they leave as well.
I can say with confidence that if the things whose loss you are bemoaning were really yours, you could never have lost them. […] Shall man's insatiable greed bind me to a constancy which is alien to my ways? Inconstancy is my very essence; it is the game I never cease to play as I turn my wheel [of fortune] in its ever changing circle, filled with joy as I bring the top to the bottom and the bottom to the top. Yes, rise up on my wheel if you like, but don't count it an injury when by the same token you begin to fall, as the rules of the game will require.”
While it is dense, I find this quote timeless. I discovered it years ago and return to it often, because of how persistently relevant it is. Any time you derive who you are based on things that are not really yours—objects, money, power, status, beauty, reputation—things that can evaporate as easily as they materialized, you will feel crushed when they dissolve. Conversely, if you value yourself for the one thing you have for as long as you live—your sense of self—you will be unswayed (or at least less swayed) by the loss or gain of these superficial forces.
When your self image remains strong independent of external perception, it becomes harder to inflate or deflate your experience based on things you cannot control.
self image lets you resist the world’s influence
It is a superpower to feel good about yourself and appreciate what you have, regardless of its perceived “value.” If you are someone who focuses inward when the world becomes chaotic and volatile, you will win against almost anyone, and most importantly, against all other versions of yourself.
This is illustrated in a quote from Helzberg’s book, What I Learned Before I Sold to Warren Buffet:
“When growing up, I was intrigued that my father only concerned himself with those business elements that were controllable. He refused to acknowledge the Depression and did quite well during that period. He was unwilling to talk about recessions or 20-inch snowfalls. He only thought about and talked about those conditions within his control.
Dad was a great believer in "not sweating the small stuff." He taught us to concern ourselves only with those things over which we have control. I thought he was unique in this until I realized this is one of the key common traits of highly successful people.
Those folks are never victims; they take what comes and handle the situation. The rest is a waste of time.”
It’s not that the things you cannot control have no impact on your experience, but that focusing on them is a waste of time. Doing so only takes you away from the things you can do to improve your experience of the world. There’s a Henry Ford line I come back to often:
“He who says he can, and he who says he can’t are both usually right.”
Self image is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will do as you expect yourself to do—this is why stubbornness is such a powerful trait. Sometimes all you need is relentless self belief and a specific aim to get what you want.
Of course, self-belief and determination are not the entire equation, but it is shocking how much of the equation they actually are. If you are just confident and stubborn, it’s remarkable how many low probability things you can make happen by just staying focused and ignoring what you can’t control. Those that stay focused on themselves instead of focusing on how others perceive them, win. They see resilience, strength, and opportunity when everyone else sees distress, misfortune, and negativity. And seeing good where everyone else sees bad is perhaps the most underrated superpower (and can be learned! No supernatural forces needed). These people also typically have an asymmetrically positive perception of the world, because their positive self image is the lens through which they see everything. They paint the canvas of the world with who they are—or at least who they think they are—which is all that really matters.
This reminds me of a scene in American Sniper that made an impression on me. Bradley Cooper plays Chris Kyle, a famous sniper known for making soldiers feel safe. Luke Grimes, who plays Marc Lee, is explaining to Bradley Cooper why he needs to stay up there and not be on the ground.
Luke Grimes says: “They feel invincible with you up there.”
“They’re not,” Cooper says.
Then the line that struck me:
“They are if they think they are.”
He’s saying: if they act and feel like they will make it, they are much more likely to.
The same goes for self image: we tend to be capable of what we think we are capable of.
a better life starts with a better self image
If you want to improve your life, start with what you can control—the constant weaved into all of your experiences: yourself.
Our self image is the lens we see the world through. When you see the beauty in yourself, you see the beauty in the world. When you see yourself as small, wounded, inadequate, and sad, that’s how the world looks, too. Taking the time to improve and maintain our lens brings more beauty and optimism into our experience.
Ultimately, the world is light, dark, and everything in between. What we see is all a matter of focus—a matter of what our lens is trained to fixate on. As my friend Nicole said in her recent piece: you find what you look for.
So, if we find what we look for, and we see ourselves in the world, then we must look in ourselves for what we want to see in the world.
PS—You might also like my post on competing with yourself: you vs. you. Find more of my daily thoughts on Twitter.
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Cleaning + maintaining the lens -- making it clearer, sharper, more focused is literally the key to everything good and meaningful! Then the world also becomes brighter and more beautiful. Loved your point about remaining focused and stop caring about what we can't control.
The machine is so sensitive and our inputs mean nothing if we don't process them in the right way. Brilliant as always <3
Feedback loops are everywhere..