the toxicity of "the toxic trait"

the label doesn't free you from doing the work

Kohada Koheiji from One Hundred Ghost Tales. Colour woodblock, 1833.

Something that has been nagging at me lately is how pop culture’s take on the “toxic trait” seems to have given people the impression that just *noticing* a limiting trait in themselves is enough to be freed from its grip on them. Or, said more accurately: awareness frees them from having to do the work required to dissolve it. But the reality is quite the contrary. Awareness, while important, is only the first step to ironing out the behavioural wrinkles that get in our way.

The classic healing process goes something like:

1. awareness (notice the behaviour that is limiting you)

2. reflection (outline the narrative you’re telling yourself that leads you to act this way)

3. compassion (for yourself and others in the narrative, i.e. compassion for the characters in the origin story of why you began acting this way)

4. forgiveness (for yourself and those involved in the narrative)

5. gratitude (for the learning you got from untangling this narrative)

6. intention (to move forward with grace when the same context comes up next time)

This lets you (hopefully!) move forward with not just an awareness of your toxic trait, but with the tools you need to identify it in the moment and act differently. This frees you from being a compulsive slave to this trait, powerless to its grip on you. Awareness is only the first step—then come steps 2-5, the real work! These steps also (importantly) involve the admission that you don’t want to have a toxic trait—that toxic traits are (and I can’t believe I am saying this, but) damaging, to you and others.

toxic traits are not an accessory

I’ve noticed that somehow having a toxic trait has become almost… trendy? cute? quirky? “in”? which is clearly broken. People spin their toxic traits into content which glorifies their malignant effect on emotional health, characterizing consciously harmful behaviour as completely unproblematic. The collective sentiment seems to be something like: where is the fun in being healed and drama free? My “toxic trait” is just who I am, I can’t change it… take it or leave it—this is part of the package.

To those holding this belief either consciously or unconsciously, I want to remind you that having a toxic trait (which is really just a characteristic lodged into your psyche that is limiting you) is not helping you. It is keeping you from living a more equanimous, healthy life. It is you hurting yourself more than anyone else. And yet: social media has painted it out to be a cute little bit, something you should be proud of, laughing about, leaning into! Something that requires nothing more than the observance that it exists, or even more insidiously: serves as great material for funny stories.

apparently, healing isn’t trendy

I didn’t realize this was actually a problem until I noticed that my friends were starting to identify with their toxic traits—like: oh, I need a guy like X. Going for emotionally unavailable boys is my toxic trait. Or: I shut down and ghost someone when I start to feel attached… toxic trait, hehe! To which I’d respond: don’t we want to sort that out? Resolve it? AVOID emotionally unavailable men, or help you confront your feelings, since that, as you described it, is a toxic (!) trait? But I found that the interest pulled back sharply when it came to this half of the process: the resolution—the unwinding of the toxic trait. It is as if merely having one and knowing it is enough.

So: I guess this is a long-winded way to present my (apparently contrarian?) take that toxic traits are, in fact, traits we are meant to recognize and then earnestly address. We should be aware of them, yes, but we need to go beyond awareness to make the realization functional. We should understand where the trait comes from, reflect on the story behind it, develop compassion for our past selves and anyone involved in its inception, forgive and then move forward. This leaves us not only mindful of the trait, but equipped to act in opposition to its nudges in the future.

awareness alone isn’t enlightenment

I can’t tell if people are just using the toxic trait label as a sort of defence mechanism—like: I’m not ready to actually address this, but let me throw a label on it so that the world at least knows I’m ~self aware~. But I kind of just want to (lovingly) shake anyone viewing an emotional health deficiency as a feature instead of a bug in their persona. I’m not saying we should expect ourselves to be perfect, I’m just gently pointing out that growth doesn’t end with awareness—it only starts there. Awareness also doesn’t guarantee growth. Knowing you are doing something toxic and continuing to do it does not make you enlightened—if anything: it exhibits the opposite. One of the biggest disservices you can do to yourself is consciously make a choice you know you will regret. Knowing that you can do better, but refusing to let yourself go further than pure awareness of that fact is like consciously inflicting a wound on yourself that you know is going to sting later.

I’m writing this to cheekily point out the irony of the toxic trait dialogue, because I, myself, had a long phase of being purely awareness-obsessed. I diluted myself into believing that self-awareness alone was enough to become a better human—spoiler: it isn’t. Awareness is like information: it is only as valuable as what you do with it. What’s that quote? It goes something like: “Change is being in the same situation, but making a different choice than the one you’ve always made.” It’s true. Change is growth. And to grow, you need to be willing to push yourself, to do something different, to act against the impulse of your toxic trait! And your awareness of this trait is only as valuable as your willingness to take its antidote: a different decision next time.

It might not be easy, and your execution might not be perfect (change is a trend over time, not a perfectly linear function), but if you give yourself permission—or better yet, set an intention—to act contrarian to what your toxic trait is convincing you to do, you might actually overcome it. Dissolve it. Rise above it. Ascend to higher states of emotional health and wholeness.

And, hey, maybe I’m the confused one, but it feels like this is the whole point of knowing you have a toxic trait, isn’t it? Figuring it out so you can eventually… fix it? Is that a ludicrous idea? Perhaps, but it is certainly how I hope to deal with my toxic traits (though I might still fail at times). Because in my view: awareness is potential, and like any other form of potential—it fizzles without action, failing to turn into anything tangible. Or put more simply: potential gets wasted if you don’t harness it. So, the next time your toxic trait presents itself, take the opportunity to look it in the eye and act mindfully towards a choice you know you’ll feel good about later.

We don’t need to be toxic to be interesting—I promise :). You will still be fun, flirty, quirky, and fresh without your toxic trait. Emotional health is sexy! Or, at least it is to any emotionally healthy person, which, unless you have a toxic trait that you need to address(!), is probably the type of person you want to attract.

So, as fun as the toxic trait dialogue is, I suggest we brew some antidotes this year and actually drink them (i.e. journal through the awareness and set an intention to act differently moving forward). Life is more fun and less painful when you’re converting awareness into decisions that you can be proud of. Or, put into the context of the latest trend—in for 2023: emotional health. Out for 2023: repeating toxic behaviour.

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Do you resonate with what I write about? Maybe we should work together: If you resonate with the ideas I write about and want to cultivate a life you genuinely enjoy living, where you align your actions with your values, move towards the changes you know you want to make, and consciously harvest self-knowledge in the process, send an email to isabel@mindmine.school or to isabel@mindmine.school or DM me on Twitter to explore what working together 1-1 would look like.

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PS—Say hi on Twitter if this resonated, or read about my toxic trait: resisting my work