why do we reject what makes us special?
Is everyone secretly special?
I have recently become attuned to how special everyone around me is. If you don't look for this though, you won't see it.
We all wrap our special-ness in palatable packaging, disguising ourselves as everyone else. But why? Why is it so hard for us all to be who we truly are?
Society is designed for us to iron out the parts of ourselves that are different. We live in a world where conformity is not only a norm, but an expectation. To resist it, you need to literally convince yourself to be yourself - every single day. This is hard to do, because it takes consistent, active effort, which requires attention. But the world is a vacuum designed to suck up our attention from the moment our eyes flutter open in the morning.
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It's bizarre, really. How sticky and complicated the web of life is. if you zoom out for a moment, you'll notice that life is always trying to keep you stuck in one place, convincing you that squirming away or trying to change where you are just isn't worth it. Switching jobs, moving cities, finding a new home, getting out of an unhealthy relationship... all of these things can feel like challenges that are too great - too mighty - for us to take on. But the truth is, we hold the power to shape our realities, to get ourselves out of difficult situations, and to make fresh what has become stale.
We have the power to change the decisions we're making. It is up to us, each day, to decide what we will do with that day. And all life is - when you really get down to it - is a giant sum of all the days you had within it. It is as simple (and unglamorous) as that.
So, if you want to have a special life, you need to fill each day with your special-ness. You need to fill each day with your true self.
The first step to doing this lies in opting out of the web of conformity, and resist society's constant attention-vacuuming. The space created by releasing our attention from the many distractions constantly pulling it in (social media, comparison, vices, and other mind traps) allows us to instead explore and embrace our individuality.
Embracing our individuality is hard to do, and first requires us to decide that it is OK to not be like everyone else. Because being like everyone else is so... unexciting. So ordinary.
Plus, we are all unique creatures with a distinct, never-to-be-repeated combination of experiences, memories, genetics and interests. So, if we are, by definition, special, why hide that special-ness from the world? Why not fill the world with it instead?
Removing our wrapping paper
I used to think that it was just the people around me that displayed their special-ness that were truly special. But it is, indeed, everyone. We all just need to slowly untangle the carefully tied packaging we have been wrapping ourselves up in for years.
This 'unwrapping' takes time, intention, and stamina. It is difficult to see how much bulk there is on top of our true self, let alone work through dismantling it.
Additional layers of packaging get packed onto our true self at each checkpoint in life. This starts at our earliest moments in youth, as soon as we can understand what people want from us and we begin to try and fit the image that we think is most pleasing to others. This takes its form in the activities we engage in, the subjects we study in school, the clothes we wear, and eventually the career we choose to pursue.
By the time we get to young adulthood and need to choose a path for ourselves, we hardly even know who we are!
These additional layers of packaging that get added as we mature through life is why we often feel a weaker sense of self when we're older than we did at a young age, when we weren't yet bundled up in society's wrapping paper.
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When we're a kid, we have no idea what the hell anyone wants from us - we're just us.
Holding on to the sense of self we had as a kid through adolescence and young adulthood is almost impossible, as our ego begins to materialize and the additional layers separating our surface level self from our true self expand. But we must remember that somewhere, underneath all of the packaging and bows and stuffing, all of the niceties and the fluff, we are in there. Our special, true selves. The radiant, unfiltered, potent beam of self that we were as a kid.
The only way to untangle who we are from who everyone thinks we should be is daily effort to unwrap the packaging. One layer at a time.
It's a slow process, but with consistent effort, not only do you get rid of the vestigial layers no longer serving you, but you also prevent new ones from being packed on.
But if we are complacent for long enough, the wrapping builds up again, distancing us from our true self with more padding and opacity.
Showing up as your true self every day is literally work.
If you aren't working on you, know that all of society is working hard to make you who it wants you to be. Because each day that we walk around, someone or something is trying to spin us up in some new packaging. Seducing us into buying new things, going new places, and distracting ourselves from the work required to find what makes us feel truly happy and fulfilled, independent of the ornaments we hang around our life to signal that we are happy.
Instead of feeling like we always need more - more experiences, more things, more friends, more distractions - we need to get comfortable saying no, looking inwards and saying: what is it that I - the truest version of myself - need right now?
Without this consistent and rigorous introspection, we can become unrecognizable to ourselves over time, ultimately getting to a place where we look in the mirror, and think: who is that?
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.' - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This week, try meditating (thinking in your free time) about who you would be if you didn't care what other people thought about you.
Think about how much of who you are and what you do has been formed to please the people and systems in your life.
Then, as an exercise, consider how you might express more of your true self - the things you would do if nothing else mattered and no one cared - in the real world.
Then try doing one, or two of those things this week! It could be as simple as a fashion choice, a cooking class, or revisiting an old friendship you let whither. It could be as complicated as starting to explore a new path or reflect on why you don't feel at peace where you are.
Whatever it is that feels right to your true self, lean into it. And, if given the chance, share what you're up to with someone around you. Revealing your true self to others creates space for them to do the same.
As you reveal more of your special-ness, you'll attract more authentic, special people into your life as well. Don't reject or hide from what makes you unique; embrace and express your uniqueness in as many ways as you can.
Your world will be richer and fuller for it.
Quote I'm Pondering:
"Perfect timing always feels too late." - Unknown​
​I don't know who said this or what it's from (I tried to find out!), but I think it is just one of those pieces of grandmother-wisdom that finds you at the right time and etches itself into your soul. Perfect timing always feels too late, because it's never too late to do something you want to do, explore a new part of yourself, or learn something you're curious about.
We're never too old, the peak hasn't already passed, and whatever other narrative we tell ourselves is probably just as futile as the one we love to believe about timing. Perfect timing always feels too late, so never let yourself use timing as an excuse. Use today -- it's all we have for certain.
Today is perfect! And not at all too late!
How would one construct a path to new understanding? With everyone going through life with some form of societal expectation.