Working on this kind of thing very strongly myself! I say this... 90% jokingly, but I'm mostly worried that if I truly listened to myself, I'd just do nothing.
I appreciate what you'd mentioned here about the masculine/feminine, mostly because I'd reached a similar junction recently where things just weren't working anymore. I was forcing myself to be cold, uncaring and "pragmatic" in the sense of saying "the world isn't going to care, and it isn't going to realign to me, just because I want it to", mostly because that's what I felt "successful people did."
The thing is, the feminine side (using your wording) of me wasn't going away, and it wasn't just going to be suppressed. It basically injected a lot of anger, resentment and frustration at being ignored, or at least not being able to be explained. I kind of got a rude awakening because I felt that these two things were so tightly tangled/knotted that they affected one another a bit too negatively; it was too easy to dismiss one using the other.
Things clicked as to why things felt weird, and I at least got an explanation of why things felt like they did. It's kind of a further "what do I do with this" now, but that's a positive direction.
I'm mostly in a similar spot of trying to test new "basics" of routine and where I am, but I appreciate the writing/tweeting you're doing because it's giving me hope that I can become more accepting of myself. It's hard to forgive myself in cases where I definitely should; that "not enough" feeling is a poison, and ultimately it doesn't *change* anything to feel "not enough." It just ends up as a weight that makes the current situation harder.
"Optimization-obsession" is a great term to describe what I was doing for years, and it is also a good description of so much of the advice we encounter on the internet. At least for me, years of that paired with a large dose of self-resentment really left me in a dark place.
Sincerely, thank you for your writing. I only started following you recently, and everything you write rings true and hits hard.
another practice to feeling settled when you don't feel settled is to write down all your thoughts. let all parts of yourself speak up and talk out loud.
the cacophony eventually may tune into harmonious intuition
Led by intuition :) I recently realized too how masculine (as you define it) is this world, still.
Feels like you not only need to "click" on this truth in order to come back to the feminine self and qualities; I need a routine that sustains the click, because as society rewards and function only in its masculine, it's easy to fall back in the by-default mode, that is, the masculine one.
My first thought is that when using intuition as a decision-making base, your brain is doing plenty of calculations under the surface, and it’s only later on that you cognitively get to grips with it and realise why your intuition was the way it was, and usually, why the decision you made was a strong one. It’s not rationalising in the sense that you’re independently coming up with good reasons to explain away the decision. Instead, you’re uncovering how the intuition came about; you realise your cognitive mind and your intuitive worker bee are in rational lockstep.
I also made a few major intuitively guided decisions in the last year, as I moved to another country, went through with some major surgery, and switched careers. If I could describe the feeling of including intuitive force in your decision-making process, it’s that of a liberation.
I like this post, especially your point about trying to act like someone you should be (performance) vs. letting intuition and what comes up naturally drive you.
I recently had a similar journey quitting my job and trying to follow my intuition if you're interested :) https://harrytaussig.com/blog/gfg/
Working on this kind of thing very strongly myself! I say this... 90% jokingly, but I'm mostly worried that if I truly listened to myself, I'd just do nothing.
I appreciate what you'd mentioned here about the masculine/feminine, mostly because I'd reached a similar junction recently where things just weren't working anymore. I was forcing myself to be cold, uncaring and "pragmatic" in the sense of saying "the world isn't going to care, and it isn't going to realign to me, just because I want it to", mostly because that's what I felt "successful people did."
The thing is, the feminine side (using your wording) of me wasn't going away, and it wasn't just going to be suppressed. It basically injected a lot of anger, resentment and frustration at being ignored, or at least not being able to be explained. I kind of got a rude awakening because I felt that these two things were so tightly tangled/knotted that they affected one another a bit too negatively; it was too easy to dismiss one using the other.
Things clicked as to why things felt weird, and I at least got an explanation of why things felt like they did. It's kind of a further "what do I do with this" now, but that's a positive direction.
I'm mostly in a similar spot of trying to test new "basics" of routine and where I am, but I appreciate the writing/tweeting you're doing because it's giving me hope that I can become more accepting of myself. It's hard to forgive myself in cases where I definitely should; that "not enough" feeling is a poison, and ultimately it doesn't *change* anything to feel "not enough." It just ends up as a weight that makes the current situation harder.
Thanks again for a nice read on my Thursday.
gold
"Optimization-obsession" is a great term to describe what I was doing for years, and it is also a good description of so much of the advice we encounter on the internet. At least for me, years of that paired with a large dose of self-resentment really left me in a dark place.
Sincerely, thank you for your writing. I only started following you recently, and everything you write rings true and hits hard.
the masculine-feminine tug war feels so real.
another practice to feeling settled when you don't feel settled is to write down all your thoughts. let all parts of yourself speak up and talk out loud.
the cacophony eventually may tune into harmonious intuition
Led by intuition :) I recently realized too how masculine (as you define it) is this world, still.
Feels like you not only need to "click" on this truth in order to come back to the feminine self and qualities; I need a routine that sustains the click, because as society rewards and function only in its masculine, it's easy to fall back in the by-default mode, that is, the masculine one.
My first thought is that when using intuition as a decision-making base, your brain is doing plenty of calculations under the surface, and it’s only later on that you cognitively get to grips with it and realise why your intuition was the way it was, and usually, why the decision you made was a strong one. It’s not rationalising in the sense that you’re independently coming up with good reasons to explain away the decision. Instead, you’re uncovering how the intuition came about; you realise your cognitive mind and your intuitive worker bee are in rational lockstep.
I also made a few major intuitively guided decisions in the last year, as I moved to another country, went through with some major surgery, and switched careers. If I could describe the feeling of including intuitive force in your decision-making process, it’s that of a liberation.
I like this post, especially your point about trying to act like someone you should be (performance) vs. letting intuition and what comes up naturally drive you.
I recently had a similar journey quitting my job and trying to follow my intuition if you're interested :) https://harrytaussig.com/blog/gfg/
You use jungian tools, for Ralph Waldo Emerson-esque topics, with a modern flavor and it’s so refreshing and clear!
thank you so much for this