Isabel, this is a great piece. It really resonated with my experience, not only of dating, but of other life pursuits like writing and martial arts. The amount of depth and richness you experience when you really commit to a path is so much greater than when you flit from one thing to the next.
there is a whole world inside each aspect of our lives we fragment a tiny piece of our attention into. when we give our full attention to something, it becomes infinite.
This is beautifully written. There is certainly a surrender in commitment that results in a freedom to explore. Relationship commitments, however, can be tricky. People who do not first explore their own depths, often don’t know how to do so after committing to a romantic partner. Having failed to established roots, a person doesn’t know how to diverge and risks endlessly dwelling in convergence. This can be especially unhealthy if both partners lack self knowledge before committing to one another.
agreed! the success and health of a relationship is largely dependent on how deeply both parties have explored themselves. I actually wrote a separate piece about relationships as a function of self-exploration: https://mindmine.substack.com/p/compatibility-and-connection
"that’s the power of commitment: it tugs a wispy possibility out of the air and hardens it into something real"
On your point of divergence and convergence in romantic partners, I think we learn a lot more from convergence, although we rationalize divergence for the sake of learning. At least, we learn a lot more about the deeper things through convergence. In this case, it think it is better to date 3 people more deeply (i.e., a relationship without an explicit expiry date, that ends) than to go on 100 or 500 dates. Another example within this convergence is you learn about other couple dynamics through double dates. This medium is much less accessible if you are just diverging around. Convergence is a powerful teacher, especially if you have the safety and intuition to know when to diverge again (i.e., stop fighting for convergence).
This is why we commit. To expand in depth, not breadth. To truly meet ourselves. --> I had to comment again because this piece truly touched my soul. Thank you for committing to your words.
When we refuse to do this, we end up contracting our ability to be at ease within ourselves. By avoiding commitment, we end up in a state of self-avoidance.
I wrote something a few weeks ago about how age begins to desire depth, not breadth — there's an inflection point when you stop equating freedom with excess, which is is a typically youthful understanding of commitment, hence the reluctance to give up optionality. Joni Mitchell said "If you want endless repetition, see a lot of people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one."
I also really like this idea from Matthew Hussey about the difference between settling for and settling on. Perhaps what people struggle with most is not necessarily commitment, but knowing what (or who) to commit to.
Isabel, this is a great piece. It really resonated with my experience, not only of dating, but of other life pursuits like writing and martial arts. The amount of depth and richness you experience when you really commit to a path is so much greater than when you flit from one thing to the next.
there is a whole world inside each aspect of our lives we fragment a tiny piece of our attention into. when we give our full attention to something, it becomes infinite.
This is beautifully written. There is certainly a surrender in commitment that results in a freedom to explore. Relationship commitments, however, can be tricky. People who do not first explore their own depths, often don’t know how to do so after committing to a romantic partner. Having failed to established roots, a person doesn’t know how to diverge and risks endlessly dwelling in convergence. This can be especially unhealthy if both partners lack self knowledge before committing to one another.
agreed! the success and health of a relationship is largely dependent on how deeply both parties have explored themselves. I actually wrote a separate piece about relationships as a function of self-exploration: https://mindmine.substack.com/p/compatibility-and-connection
and thank you for the kind words 🦋
Really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.
i’m so glad! thank you for reading 💌
"that’s the power of commitment: it tugs a wispy possibility out of the air and hardens it into something real"
On your point of divergence and convergence in romantic partners, I think we learn a lot more from convergence, although we rationalize divergence for the sake of learning. At least, we learn a lot more about the deeper things through convergence. In this case, it think it is better to date 3 people more deeply (i.e., a relationship without an explicit expiry date, that ends) than to go on 100 or 500 dates. Another example within this convergence is you learn about other couple dynamics through double dates. This medium is much less accessible if you are just diverging around. Convergence is a powerful teacher, especially if you have the safety and intuition to know when to diverge again (i.e., stop fighting for convergence).
Amazed by your words
Thanks for choosing to be a writer. Your writing always speaks to me.
This is why we commit. To expand in depth, not breadth. To truly meet ourselves. --> I had to comment again because this piece truly touched my soul. Thank you for committing to your words.
When we refuse to do this, we end up contracting our ability to be at ease within ourselves. By avoiding commitment, we end up in a state of self-avoidance.
WOW my favorite one so far. You are so talented!
I wrote something a few weeks ago about how age begins to desire depth, not breadth — there's an inflection point when you stop equating freedom with excess, which is is a typically youthful understanding of commitment, hence the reluctance to give up optionality. Joni Mitchell said "If you want endless repetition, see a lot of people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one."
I also really like this idea from Matthew Hussey about the difference between settling for and settling on. Perhaps what people struggle with most is not necessarily commitment, but knowing what (or who) to commit to.
More on these ideas here if you're interested: https://surfista.substack.com/p/008-underneath-aesthetics