how to be a domestic goddess

notes from nigella & myself

one of the goddess-est goddesses to ever do it

I was walking past the book store, fortunately or unfortunately located directly next to my building, and passed by a book title that caught my attention. It was a cookbook, a category I have a particular soft spot for; with a title that read like it was written to pull me in. How to be a Domestic Goddess by Nigella Lawson. Given that I was on my way to my favourite spot to read and write as a break between calls, I snatched it from the shelf and shuffled over to the cashier to pay. Best cookbook title of all time, the store owner said. I smiled and nodded in agreement. I folded the book under my arm and walked the remaining two blocks to what would be the home of my reading session for the next hour or so.

I arrived to my spot, ordered my usual coffee and mounted this rather large cookbook on top of the bar. As I started reading it, I sensed an instant softness, a delight, wash over me as I started to absorb Nigella’s calm, comforting words. She talked of reclaiming the kitchen, the home, as a place to domestic-goddess-about, instead of something we should be ashamed to enjoy spending time in, a la postfeminist modern thought.

I instantly felt a wave of awareness towards that battle within myself, or at least one that was more pronounced when I was still preoccupied with ideas that I have since realized were more oppressive than they were liberating; narratives that tell you that because you can be something, you should be it. Instead of reminding us that the beauty of evolution, of opportunity—is that you get to choose what you do, how you spend your time, who you are. That capability does not necessitate execution. It has taken me some time to realize that, as a woman, I can be many things, and none of those things make the other things about me any less significant.

I started baking and creating beautiful things in the kitchen about as early as I could reach over the counter (and perhaps even earlier, as I remember several episodes of yanking chairs towards cupboards so I could reach into them and then fielding frustrated comments from my mother later on for not replacing the chair to where I had taken it from—sorry mom!).

I was also tough, studious, strong, athletic, competitive, etc. It felt like this softness, this desire to host, cook, bake, make my home and my world look, smell and taste beautiful was something I did not know how to fit into my conscious identity for some time. Something that I somehow came to believe I should hide or give less air-time to, because—I don’t know—it made me less powerful or something?

I don’t think any of this was ever conscious, not really, but it was there, a rift in who I was and what I felt drawn to subtly nagging at my psyche, affecting how I revealed myself to the world. My still-budding-domestic-goddess self was always running away to hide whenever bids for my conscious identity appeared and I felt I had to be this polished creature that couldn’t be bothered with something as girly and feminine as icing a cupcake or picking the right napkins for a dinner party.

But as I have grown into myself, I have realized that one of the truest components of my nature is the deep desire to nurture, to be soft, to embody this domestic-goddess-self that Nigella so sweetly describes in her book. The part of me that loves to care for, love, feed, serve. I have been on my own journey for years of reckoning what is really me vs. what I have been I am many things, and all of these parts of me get to co-exist: I am deeply curious, keen for knowledge wherever I can find it. I like to write, to create, to bake, to talk, to teach, to listen, and even to do math every now and then (though my degree has mostly satiated me, I think).

Somehow, in picking this book up, and reading some of Nigella’s words, like:

“I neither want to confine you to the kitchen, nor even suggest that it might be desirable. But I do think that many of us have become alienated from the domestic sphere, and that it can actually make us feel better to claim back some of that space, make it comforting rather than frightening… as a way of reclaiming our lost Eden.”

I realized that there are vestigial remnants in me that recall a time where I felt some degree of shame or resistance in how much I loved simply being in the kitchen, dreaming of moments when I could involve my future children in the process of rolling out cookie dough and dousing it with colourful sprinkles. These are, when I tune into it, things I deeply yearn for—and always have. And somehow, Nigella’s unapologetic words about just how glorious it is to embrace your domestic goddess self, to immerse yourself in the act of baking a cake as though it is as important to you as an investment banking interview might be to the average 22-year-old high-achieving woman of today, is a reminder that all of these expectations and aims and standards we place on ourselves are so subjective and temporary. And the part of us that gravitates towards things like nurturing those we love, embracing slowness, and the pleasure of creating beautiful things for others… there is a timelessness to that part of us. A depth to its role in our nature, or at least, it is clearly an immutable part of mine; to love, to serve, and to nourish. To move slowly, to savour, and to pursue the creation (and curation!) of beauty—for no other reason than because it is fun, rewarding and satisfying to do so.

Another way of capturing what Nigella’s words evoked for me is that I want to live in a world where the quality of your homemade cupcakes (which should only be measured by the joy they bring you to make and others to consume!) is as praised as your list of academic achievements. But the cool thing is that you can create that world for yourself. You don’t need the world to give you permission to be a domestic goddess! You can do it right now if you’d like; I am sure you have some overripe bananas waiting to be alchemized, or a project at home you have been meaning to make the time and space to sit with. These are worthwhile endeavours! They return us to a part of our nature; a sweet, sensuousness in us that we can be so easily separated from in modernity. That we have been told is not as valuable as our ability to generate, to produce, to always be on. But the home is a place where we get to slow down, invite, host, relax, and enjoy. Let us reclaim this space—our own personal Eden—by celebrating ourselves for doing what brings us joy here, and not waiting for it to come back “in vogue” to do so.

You get to decide what matters to you, what deserves your time and attention, what gets to be seen. And as Nigella so keenly reminds us in her book(s), the kitchen is about making a mess in, embracing pleasure in, exploring and experimenting in. It is not a science lab. It is not somewhere where you will be graded on the perfection of your execution and the precision of your technique. It is a place where you get to learn, express yourself, have fun, and, of course, create (and consume!) delicious things in.

In a time where I sense that possibly the greatest wound of the feminine we are all up against is the inclination towards perfectionism and control, liberating your domestic-goddess self by having fun, making a mess, spending an entire day or afternoon nurturing a recipe for no particular reason at all except that it caught your eye, looked beautiful, and felt fun, might just be exactly the medicine we need to remember this part of our nature. To remember that we are goddesses, and that everything we do can be an expression of devotion and love.

Some recent domestic goddess creations of my own

(from left to right!)

1. Pistachio-Cardamom Brioche Buns w/ Orange Zest Icing <3 (s/o

   Bella
   for the recipe)

2. Mixed Berry Scones

3. Sourdough :)

4. Challah-Inspired Brioche (also

   Bella
   ’s recipe!)

5. Lemon-Blueberry Madeira Cake (from Nigella’s book!!!)

6. Chocolate Chip Cookies

7. Banana Bread (my default creation if I’m just in the mood to bake)

8. Sourdough Chocolate Chip Scones

TLDR of this whole piece: You get to be messy and orderly, serious and playful, domestic and professional. Your nature is multi-dimensional! Don’t hide your inner-domestic-goddess-self behind some corporate-girlboss-conventionally-smart-impressive-goddess-self, or any other part of you that you think might be more impressive / important / worthy of being seen! Let all parts of you co-exist together! Court your domestic goddess out from under the thick, armoured identity we construct based on who we think we should be, and let her stand in the spotlight, in all her imperfect, sensuous, delicious glory! Now, go PLAY and make something delicious for yourself or a loved one if you feel so inclined :) xoxo

Learn more about my work: You can explore my 1-1 coaching, my course to help you become a Creative God/Goddess, and my free daily journalling guide I have created for you on my website here:

related essays you might enjoy: on slowness, taste and living well, reclaim your nature, slow down, embrace the exhale, one thing at a time, don’t let your ideas rot + a little video I made about this essay!