I don't particularly think of myself as a people-pleaser but this essay still resonated with me from a subtly different angle: I'm fairly introverted but tend to "default" to spending time around friends (perhaps out of FOMO though that concept doesn't quite capture the feeling) even when I know I would show up better for others (a particularly resonant point you made) when I've given myself adequate quality alone time. This was a useful reminder to prioritize that boundary, thank you.
"Writing is about pushing through sludge for hours until you finally get to the crystal clear waterfall where all is flowing. But if you constantly jump in and out of the sludge, conveniently distracting yourself with easily justifiable distractions such as pleasing the people you love, you’ll never get to that flow state." a much-needed reminder. one of the best things about prioritizing quiet space for yourself is that you get to understand yourself better and discover what most enlivens you, which you can then bring back to the world and uplift others with. it's a great feedback loop.
It's hard to set new boundaries around people you've known for a while. You (the general "you" hear) want to grow, but they're content and might not get where you're coming from. It's especially difficult if your psyche (like mine) has been around emotionally reactive people, so expressing needs becomes more difficult.
Huberman once quipped that we don't have a user's manual for the brain and the body. Applying this elsewhere, I don't really think we have one for creating boundaries with technology. Amazing that you followed what was best for you with social media and setting notification boundaries to truly become a better writer.
In the past I've also felt a great need not to disappoint others and "be someone" (whatever that might mean). It made me motivated to strive for the default path of careers that were great on paper, but just not for me.
When not being my true self became too much to handle, I quit my job and moved to Latin America to live in different countries and start up a remote career. The reactions of others were scary at first. However, the more I started believing in myself, the more people became supportive. Also, I started realising that the fearful reactions I sometimes got said more about their own fears than about me as a person.
It's the best decision I've made. I feel so free, light and finally feel like I'm doing what I want, and not what the rest of the world wants for me.
This is currently my biggest barrier; I'm having a really hard time not people-pleasing in-the-moment. I know I'm not feeling embodied/aligned when I feel the stab of self-betrayal (or just a building sense of anxiety), but it's like the alternative option of how I'd actually want to talk or act doesn't even occur to me. And if I try to pick a non-standard option, it comes out feeling strained, so I tend to retreat to my default.
Was just brainstorming to see if there's a way I can start disappointing people with training wheels on, and I think a good idea might be to initiate the uncomfortable situation myself. e.g. Ask friends to hang out (not knowing if it'll bother them) as opposed to being put on the spot in a situation where I'd normally people-please with no warning.
Kind of a long comment, but figured it could be useful in case anyone else is trying to find practical ways to work through the same thing.
Wow, this was so insightful Isabel. Much needed reminder to honor ourselves before others and to COMMUNICATE our needs even though it would be pretty cool if people did read our mind. Thank you
This is so so good and super insightful. I have been struggling to put up strict boundaries and not feel bad about it. This is such a great piece that comes very timely. The nudge from the universe I needed to keep at it and re-affirm myself and my boundaries more. Thank you :)
I'm not necessarily the biggest people pleaser, but this made me think about how often I mold myself based on the shape of others when I am making new friends. I have been working on prioritizing my own needs(limiting drinking/going out) rather than just saying yes to any social opportunity that comes my way. Thank you for this article - definitely helped reaffirm my current path.
As a natural people pleaser, I'm going through a very difficult phase right now where I have to fight every ounce of my energy that compels me to comply with the desires of some people over my own. It's been hard for me to do, and I really needed this article right now because I now realize that it's the right thing to do in the long term. I do not think that my natural behaviour is sustainable. And I think that it's very likely that if I always comply with the requests of other people, I would be resentful. Thank you so much for writing this beautiful article.
I don't particularly think of myself as a people-pleaser but this essay still resonated with me from a subtly different angle: I'm fairly introverted but tend to "default" to spending time around friends (perhaps out of FOMO though that concept doesn't quite capture the feeling) even when I know I would show up better for others (a particularly resonant point you made) when I've given myself adequate quality alone time. This was a useful reminder to prioritize that boundary, thank you.
"Writing is about pushing through sludge for hours until you finally get to the crystal clear waterfall where all is flowing. But if you constantly jump in and out of the sludge, conveniently distracting yourself with easily justifiable distractions such as pleasing the people you love, you’ll never get to that flow state." a much-needed reminder. one of the best things about prioritizing quiet space for yourself is that you get to understand yourself better and discover what most enlivens you, which you can then bring back to the world and uplift others with. it's a great feedback loop.
I love the idea of boundaries here.
It's hard to set new boundaries around people you've known for a while. You (the general "you" hear) want to grow, but they're content and might not get where you're coming from. It's especially difficult if your psyche (like mine) has been around emotionally reactive people, so expressing needs becomes more difficult.
Huberman once quipped that we don't have a user's manual for the brain and the body. Applying this elsewhere, I don't really think we have one for creating boundaries with technology. Amazing that you followed what was best for you with social media and setting notification boundaries to truly become a better writer.
In the past I've also felt a great need not to disappoint others and "be someone" (whatever that might mean). It made me motivated to strive for the default path of careers that were great on paper, but just not for me.
When not being my true self became too much to handle, I quit my job and moved to Latin America to live in different countries and start up a remote career. The reactions of others were scary at first. However, the more I started believing in myself, the more people became supportive. Also, I started realising that the fearful reactions I sometimes got said more about their own fears than about me as a person.
It's the best decision I've made. I feel so free, light and finally feel like I'm doing what I want, and not what the rest of the world wants for me.
Wow, it's me.
This is currently my biggest barrier; I'm having a really hard time not people-pleasing in-the-moment. I know I'm not feeling embodied/aligned when I feel the stab of self-betrayal (or just a building sense of anxiety), but it's like the alternative option of how I'd actually want to talk or act doesn't even occur to me. And if I try to pick a non-standard option, it comes out feeling strained, so I tend to retreat to my default.
Was just brainstorming to see if there's a way I can start disappointing people with training wheels on, and I think a good idea might be to initiate the uncomfortable situation myself. e.g. Ask friends to hang out (not knowing if it'll bother them) as opposed to being put on the spot in a situation where I'd normally people-please with no warning.
Kind of a long comment, but figured it could be useful in case anyone else is trying to find practical ways to work through the same thing.
Wow, this was so insightful Isabel. Much needed reminder to honor ourselves before others and to COMMUNICATE our needs even though it would be pretty cool if people did read our mind. Thank you
This is so so good and super insightful. I have been struggling to put up strict boundaries and not feel bad about it. This is such a great piece that comes very timely. The nudge from the universe I needed to keep at it and re-affirm myself and my boundaries more. Thank you :)
I'm not necessarily the biggest people pleaser, but this made me think about how often I mold myself based on the shape of others when I am making new friends. I have been working on prioritizing my own needs(limiting drinking/going out) rather than just saying yes to any social opportunity that comes my way. Thank you for this article - definitely helped reaffirm my current path.
I've been this, this resonates with me.
I have been setting up boundaries, but still find it hard to say "No".
Great articulation of all these feelings.
As a natural people pleaser, I'm going through a very difficult phase right now where I have to fight every ounce of my energy that compels me to comply with the desires of some people over my own. It's been hard for me to do, and I really needed this article right now because I now realize that it's the right thing to do in the long term. I do not think that my natural behaviour is sustainable. And I think that it's very likely that if I always comply with the requests of other people, I would be resentful. Thank you so much for writing this beautiful article.
I liked tapping into the fact that we anticipate needs from childhood and expect others to be that way. It’s not true not fair. I really enjoyed this