same wavelength
what it means to "click" with someone
I have been trying to distill down what it feels like to share a wavelength with someone. That feeling when you meet someone and think: you are my people. When the texture of your energy is similar. You care about similar things. You vibe in a similar way. You connect naturally, instantly. Perhaps through a deep conversation, at a concert, shopping, reading, writing. Somewhere where you feel like you can be completely yourself. You connect over something so fundamental to both of you that you think: wow, this person really gets me. To be on the same wavelength as someone is to feel seen for who you truly are and to see them for who they truly are.
to see and be seen
The foundation of connection is to see one another as you are, not as who you you think you should be. A portal where you both drop in to your most natural, authentic selves and connect there—on that raw, unpolished layer of the self. There’s a certain admiration you see in someone you connect with instantly and want to know deeper. A sense of: I get what this person is about and I admire it. Admiration is fundamentally seeing something you aspire to be in others—seeing your own light shine in someone else. Admiration reveals what is of value to you, whether that value is conscious or unconscious. If you value beauty, you admire those who are beautiful, or those that ornament their lives with beautiful things. If you value money, you admire wealth. If you value presence, you admire the enlightened. Admiration is like having a micro-crush—often totally independent of romantic interest. It’s the same idea as crushes being misplaced ambition: you see something in another person that you want to be more of. Admiration tells you what you appreciate in others and what you want to embody more of in yourself. To be on the same wavelength, you need to admire the person. They need to represent parts of you that you want to deepen into.
why you “click”
Clicking with someone means you don’t need to start from scratch—you feel familiar to each other instantly. Context you would typically need to explain to a new person is collapsed. The connection is fresh but deep: you both just make sense to each other.
Whenever I’m meeting a lot of people in a short period of time, I always notice the stark contrast between people that I share common interests, values, principles, and context with, vs. those who I don’t. And when I say “context”, I don’t mean upbringing and background, but the context of what is going on in your mind—the contents of your inner world.
I’ve come to understand that being on the same wavelength as someone is some combination of (1) admiring them, (2) sharing deep elements of yourselves (values, interests, principles, current inner context), and (3) being socially compatible (having similar ways that you like hanging out with one another). If you align on any of these, you’re going to connect. If you align on all three, you’re going to click.
When you find these people, it’s easy to think that many more of them will come around—that it’s quite common to find someone on your wavelength. But my observation is that you will find a lot of people you connect with on some level (same background, same interests, same values). But to find people you connect with on all three in a way that makes you feel instantly understood—that transcendent feeling of: I just met someone that gets me without even trying—now, that doesn’t come around very often. Any connection where I felt that instant click and didn’t nurture it further, I look back wishing I did. We all know that feeling when we meet someone and think: “I’m really supposed to know this person.” When we don’t listen to it, it feels like we missed out on someone that was meant to be in our lives. Those people are also usually the best mirrors (because connection is derived from admiration, and admiration is derived from seeing your own light in someone else). The people you share a wavelength with reflect your light back to you uniquely—they see you on a level others don’t, because they understand you on a level others don’t. And you do the same for them.
These connections are treasures worth cherishing. Even if it’s inconvenient, even if you don’t live in the same place, have an age difference, or whatever unusual reason that person might slip through your fingers. Put your two hands together and let the juice from these connections pour into them. Recognize and invest in them when they arise:
when you don’t “click”
To be on the “same wavelength” is to feel in synchronicity: like you operate in the same way, like you can skip some conversation you would have with someone who isn’t on your wavelength. Those people you end up over-explaining yourself to in an effort to feel seen—only to eventually feel like they simply don’t “get it.” We underestimate how much feeling seen has to do with the other person understanding how and why you make the choices that you do. If there is too large a gap between how you both approach life, it can be nearly impossible to feel fully understood by them, and conversely: for you to understand them. You’re just different. And that’s okay! We’re not meant to make sense to everyone: we are not all on the same wavelength (the world would be pretty boring if we were). Our job is to vibrate loudly on the wavelength that we are on by being open, expressive, alive, and authentic to who we really are. When we do, the people that vibrate like us can find us.
It’s as if you were a bird and instead of singing the birdsong you were born to sing that helps your pack find you (and helps you find them), you try to sing differently to fit in with another pack. They don’t fully connect with you, because you are not being yourself. You are being who you think they want you to be, changing your natural vibration to fit in. It will always feel forced. There will always be a gap in their understanding, because you are not vibing on your natural wavelength: you are forcing something instead of trusting your nature.
follow your flow to find your people
A realization I recently had while travelling is that there are a lot of things you feel you “should” do when you’re somewhere new: places you should see, people you should be around, scenes you should experiment with. But when you really tune in to how you feel in any setting, you can pretty much tell whether it is activating you or not—whether it is helping you be more or less of yourself. Whether it makes you feel safe or on edge. But sometimes you really want something to work. You are convinced you should be there, it should feel good. But it doesn’t! You’re not finding your people, you are not feeling at home in yourself, you are struggling to self-express. You know you need to leave but for some reason, you really don’t want to. It feels like admitting defeat. So, you resist your nature. You try to ignore the inner signals telling you to go somewhere else. And you continue to feel the inner resistance until you finally relent by going somewhere where you feel at ease, relaxed, and free to vibrate on your natural wavelength.
After enough experiences muting my natural frequency to match one I feel like I “should” connect with, I’ve learned this: every time I don’t feel right somewhere, it’s a signal trying to point me towards a place that does feel right. When you try to force something that doesn’t match you, it will never feel natural, easy, peaceful. Because you simply don’t “click” with those people or that place. And when you finally do leave the place that you are trying to force, you are able to find your flow: the people that receive you warmly, effortlessly, lovingly. You get to find those who sing the same birdsong as you, that vibrate on the same wavelength, that simply “get it” without trying. And life gets amplified when we surround ourselves with people who get it—whatever our “it” is.
presence flows from safety
When you are somewhere where you feel like you can’t be yourself—somewhere that gives rise to a subtle sense of being unsafe—you lose the ability to be fully present. You’re not at ease. Feeling unsafe puts you in your head: it forces you to analyze your surroundings, be constantly aware of how you are being perceived, to be in a state of seeking validation, acceptance, anything to soothe the unease. And that prevents you from existing naturally, vibing on your natural frequency—the way you do around people on the same wavelength as you!
Those who share a wavelength with you teach you about yourself by allowing you to exist and express freely. When you’re paying attention (i.e. you’re present), you notice when you “click” with someone and you can surrender to the connection. When you’re distracted by trying to force another connection to work, these instant “click” connections become harder to spot, both (1) because you are not being yourself so you are less likely to naturally click with someone, and (2) because you are in a state of seeking something else, distracting you from what is right in front of you.
lean in to what feels easy
Trust yourself: be who you are and amplify your signal. That’s how you find your people, and that’s how they find you. If something doesn’t feel right, or if you feel like you are forcing a connection more than it’s flowing, trust that there is someone else or somewhere else where you are meant to be instead.
Your wavelength is a sacred place—when you find others bopping along it with you, sync up with them. We connect best with people when we aren’t trying to force anything, when we are not trying to be something that we are not. We click with people when we are simply being ourselves, vibrating at our natural frequency: trusting that being ourselves will invite in others that can meet us where we are truly at. And those moments where you click with someone are precious. It’s like finding new family. You both “get it” without having to try. You share an invisible language. You don’t need to translate yourselves to each other. It’s easy. Effortless. That’s what it feels like to be travelling along the same wavelength. The connection between you just glides.
If you resonate with what I write about, you may be interested in my 1-1 coaching designed to help individuals embark on their own process of inner-transformation. You can sign up to learn more about it here.
My next essay is about the hidden cost of people-pleasing—a topic deeply intertwined with the one we just explored. I view this as a 2-part essay (a brief thread I wrote on why). You can now read the second essay here:
There’s no better way for me to find people on my wavelength than you sharing this signal with your people. If you’re enjoying Mind Mine, consider sharing it so we can all vibrate loudly at this frequency together:
I love reading your comments. They reveal the essay to me in a new light—much like when a friend’s response gives your thoughts a new sense of clarity and meaning. If this piece resonated, I’d love to hear why:
For my daily thoughts and musings, follow me on Twitter (..X?) and if you liked this essay, you might enjoy these related pieces:
growing pains: on big changes in our lives and how we adjust to them
comfort: on trusting yourself and going where you feel safe
compatibility and connection: on soul-level connections vs. circumstantial ones
how to be cool: on self-expression and leaning into who you are
"Feeling unsafe puts you in your head: it forces you to analyze your surroundings, be constantly aware of how you are being perceived, to be in a state of seeking validation, acceptance, anything to soothe the unease. And that prevents you from existing naturally, vibing on your natural frequency—the way you do around people on the same wavelength as you!" This was so real. It is a feeling of non safety and hyper attunement to people and environment to make sure you're not stepping out of line. Because feeling validated is important, but not as important as being yourself and attracting like-minded people!
"Trust yourself: be who you are and amplify your signal. That’s how you find your people, and that’s how they find you."
I recently started 'revealing' more of my inner self on social media/through my own writing and have found this to be so true. The people who have reached out to me since then are people that heard my signal and RESONATED with it.
The connections that have followed far outweigh the perceived costs of amplifying my signal (ex: turning some people off, being 'cringey' etc). I loved how succinctly you described this.