shrinking hurts
stop making yourself small because it’s convenient <3
One of my favourite things about winter is how much alone time it naturally promotes… when I am at home, during winter, my life is mostly slowness, candles, reading, exercise, long sleeps, writing, work, baking, cooking, and ultimately: just nesting. It is a sacred time and I deeply, lovingly treasure it.
About two weeks ago, right in the middle of my typical five-month winter experience, though, I left Toronto and came to Mexico City, where I will be for a couple more weeks. I was actually kind of reluctant to come, because of how intentionally I have been trying to embrace and experience winter this year. But alas, as soon as the sun hit my face and I felt the feeling of actual warmth spread over my body from its rays instead of the lazy winter sun we get much farther north, I forgot all about my winter rituals and the sacredness I was attributing to them.
I was suddenly in full blown summer mode. Specifically, this meant a lot more extroversion and social activity than my body or mind were used to, being three months into a slow burn season of slowness and solitude. Suddenly, I had plans almost every day, and because it is so beautiful outside, people are always just wanting to go out and do things spontaneously, too — which is something that only stretches over a few months of the year back in Toronto. While I was initially thinking the weather change is what would affect me most, I hadn’t considered that the actual somatic shift that would cause the biggest change is the completely different social attitude that people—including myself—naturally embody in this different environment.
I think something about the jarring shift from winter-mode to summer-mode shocked me, and sort of caught me off guard. After about ten days of existing in this entirely new paradigm, I noticed that I was exhausted, somewhat frustrated, and completely resistant to spending more time with people. I just wanted to be alone.
I found this pretty interesting/surprising because I tend to generally like social interaction quite a lot! Especially with people I resonate with (of which there are many here).
I was reflecting on why I felt so suddenly drained and tired. It took me a while to put my finger on it: it wasn’t the sheer volume of socializing I was doing, or the people, or the environment. It was actually my predisposition inside of those interactions. I realized I was consistently making myself small to ‘keep the peace’ in social interactions. The interesting thing about this realization is that no one was asking me to do this, no one was expecting me to do this, and no one necessarily even wants me to do this. I was just doing it, automatically.
This is a learned behaviour I picked up somewhere along the way to adulthood; this idea that it is my job to remain quiet, to agree and validate what someone might be saying (even if I do not agree) to limit the risk of causing conflict in the situation socially. To maintain harmony, ease, and sweetness in an interaction.
But I am starting to question this default behaviour of mine increasingly. It doesn’t particularly align with my values of honesty, courage and self-expression. It doesn’t align with my desire to seek and express truth. And it doesn’t create (or attract) more intellectually—and spiritually!—robust people around me. Really, this behaviour is rather blatantly misaligned, with who I consciously believe I am, and who I want to increasingly become (which explains the exhausting nature of continuing to maintain it…)
Somewhat inspired by this train of thought, I went on a little reflective rampage this week, trying to discern how disagreeable vs. agreeable I am in the eyes of those around me. I know myself quite well internally, and I am rather emphatically disagreeable; I always have been. My teachers used to describe me as ‘an aggressive learner’ to my parents in parent-teacher interviews. “Isabel really needs to understand something to move on.” I didn’t get how everyone wasn’t acting that way: how could you move forward if you don’t understand, if you don’t agree, if it doesn’t make complete sense to you?
My nature has always been to question, to discern, to be (lovingly) skeptical. I seem to be able to maintain this predisposition without becoming paranoid or particularly anxious about things; I simply want to know the truth. And I almost perceive it as a game, a fun exploration of sorts, to discover it.
So, when I watch myself hear someone say something that I believe or know to be false, and I just smile and nod, unwilling to disagree with them in that moment because I don’t want to risk them not liking me, or to erupt a burst of defensiveness or conflict in the moment, a part of me writhes inside of myself, disappointed at my apparent inability to say what I really think.
I don’t like when I do this. I don’t think it is conducive to more of what I want to cultivate in myself, in others, in the world. I want to create and participate in circumstances where I can disagree lovingly with people, where, yes, harmony can be maintained as we approach the truth together. I want to be someone who is willing to endure a little social friction for speaking up about the things I truly care about and believe in.
It is a delicate balance, of course, because some people hold their beliefs existentially closely, even if they don’t know why they believe them or where they picked them up. And questioning people’s tightly held beliefs if they are not in a space where they are open to unpacking them can be a little… tricky. Abrasive. Corrosive to the relationship even. Clearly, it is not always worth doing.
But sometimes—it clearly is. If I am being totally honest with myself, I know those moments where I am retreating out of fear instead of out of a wise, discerning moment of deciding ‘this one isn’t worth it.’ And I want to do this fear-based-default-shrinking-thing less! I want to be bolder and more willing to be the aggressive learner and thinker that I am, live, in the flesh, when those moments materialize where I experience an internal rift that tells me: I don’t agree with what they just said. And to navigate those moments gently, consciously—sure—but to engage. To actually try and figure out what is right, what is true in those moments where I notice that I see the world a little differently than the person I am talking to. And maybe, if I master this art, of knowing when to disagree, when to voice my skepticism, I can actually begin to create bridges—of harmony, of connection—to grow closer to others by exposing what I really think and wonder about, instead of letting these invisible chasms grow between us as I politely smile and nod, despite possessing a deeply held conviction that is in direct opposition to what they are expressing.
I am not that interested in where this pattern comes from, to be honest. I could make some broad stroke guesses about it—how we are conditioned to be sweet, to be unassuming, to be wide-eyed and respectful and polite when we are young (girls especially)—but I am more interested in how it squares up with the person I want to be now, today. Do I really want to be someone that is unwilling to endure a little social friction to say what I really think? Even just writing that out feels appallingly misaligned. I share my thoughts for a living, for godsake! Surely I can muster the courage to be a little disagreeable in a low stakes social situation with someone who has probably not thought about what they are saying that deeply anyway and might even be open to exploring why it is that they think it!
It is just funny, or interesting to me at least, to examine all these stories about why we do (or don’t do) certain things. For me, I sense this pseudo-agreeableness thing I picked up was probably a social belonging adaptation that I learned when I was young, when, like most of us, I was just trying to fit in and be liked. But these are things I care much less about now. Or at least, I would like to believe that I care much less about them. I probably still do want to be liked, I do want to connect deeply with people—but my people. I care more about the kinds of groups I fit in and belong to than I did when smiling and nodding was the optimal socially adaptive behaviour. I now want to be around truth-seekers and people who want their ideas questioned and explored. Connecting with this kind of person requires a different type of social behaviour than the type that was required to connect with just about anyone in the average social interaction. So, like most adults, I am reconciling that if I act and live in full congruence with the values that I currently hold and who I want to be for the rest of my life, despite who I might have been until now, I have a better chance of getting what I truly want out of life.
Because ultimately, the values I hold now aren’t about being well-positioned on some circumstantial hierarchy I might have found myself in during my adolescent years. My values are tied to things like agency, discernment, thoughtfulness, critical thinking, questioning norms, and figuring out for yourself what it is that you truly want and how you can get it (so, agency, I guess). If I act in alignment with those values, I very likely will repel some people. And I suppose that is entirely okay, because repulsion is just the other side of attraction. True magnetism isn’t universal. To attract what and who we are meant to connect with, we must let our true, organic nature come through and colour our interactions. We must not dull ourselves or blunt our truth to appease one another. At least, this is what I am working towards: being more honest, direct, and unapologetic. To resist the urge to shrink, even when it is uncomfortable—especially when it is uncomfortable—to do so. And that means I might need to be disagreeable and possibly even unlikable at times. And, when I consider the trade-offs, I think I am okay with that :)
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related essays you might enjoy: you might disappoint people (and that’s okay), same wavelength, compatibility and connection, growing pains
How did this land with you: do you notice yourself shrinking to preserve the harmony and peace of a situation? How have you navigated or mastered this urge to hold back your thoughts when you actually want to express yourself?
Harmony is a really interesting word because it's inherently musical. Some harmony and rhythm is dissonant and some is assonant. Sometimes I feel like what people call social harmony isn't even harmony, it's just unison--same note with the same rhythm. I feel like good social harmony (like good musical harmony) is able to ride the line between tension and release--to seek a true arc where a conversation is both challenging but also where you're playing on the same team to create release. One has to bend their own note in order to work with the other note, and experiment to see what harmony creates the best arc. If you introduce tensions into a conversation because you feel you resonate with a certain pitch, but aren't willing to bend that pitch to a release, I feel it's sort of an unsatisfying social interaction.
If I agree with someone, it's fun to let go of that agreement and seek a bit of tension. Asking probing questions that might make them feel a sense of discomfort but discover something new, maybe a disagreement that exists underneath the agreement. That adds tension to the social harmony which you can then release.
If I disagree, it's fun to let go of that POV and seek a but more assonance. Relating emotionally and dialling into a space where playfulness is rewarded over conflict and we can create good resonance. If there's already a lot of tension, taking the journey back to release might be started without trying to find more tension.
Exploring these conversations as an energetic interaction creates a different form of authenticity. There's an energy we want to occupy. Sometimes that energy is compassion. Sometimes that energy is playfulness. Sometimes that energy is exploration. Sometimes it's disagreement! I think that what we seek isn't just to say what we think, but to find that correct energetic arc in a conversation. We walk away from boring interactions when we refuse to add that bit of tension about an idea that our body craves to resolve. I think we're afraid but curious about what would happen if we created that energy with someone else. With certain people, we can express exactly what we think, but it's not the same satisfaction that we would get if we said what we think to someone with whom it might create that tense harmony that we would then want to resolve. Or, to leave unresolved (if we're feeling extra spicy).
This such a great realization and interesting to have noticed it during a seasonal shift that you may not have noticed if you didn't take your trip. Shrinking yourself is such a great way to put it too, because you don't often realize in the moment when you are not allowing yourself to be all you can be. This advice to stay true to yourself which allows you to find YOUR people is very valuable to me. Especially being in a creative field like myself (design) because my input is very valuable and i shouldnt put a cap on it when it can really be positive for a project or expanding a friendship at work. Thanks for writing this!