Harmony is a really interesting word because it's inherently musical. Some harmony and rhythm is dissonant and some is assonant. Sometimes I feel like what people call social harmony isn't even harmony, it's just unison--same note with the same rhythm. I feel like good social harmony (like good musical harmony) is able to ride the line between tension and release--to seek a true arc where a conversation is both challenging but also where you're playing on the same team to create release. One has to bend their own note in order to work with the other note, and experiment to see what harmony creates the best arc. If you introduce tensions into a conversation because you feel you resonate with a certain pitch, but aren't willing to bend that pitch to a release, I feel it's sort of an unsatisfying social interaction.
If I agree with someone, it's fun to let go of that agreement and seek a bit of tension. Asking probing questions that might make them feel a sense of discomfort but discover something new, maybe a disagreement that exists underneath the agreement. That adds tension to the social harmony which you can then release.
If I disagree, it's fun to let go of that POV and seek a but more assonance. Relating emotionally and dialling into a space where playfulness is rewarded over conflict and we can create good resonance. If there's already a lot of tension, taking the journey back to release might be started without trying to find more tension.
Exploring these conversations as an energetic interaction creates a different form of authenticity. There's an energy we want to occupy. Sometimes that energy is compassion. Sometimes that energy is playfulness. Sometimes that energy is exploration. Sometimes it's disagreement! I think that what we seek isn't just to say what we think, but to find that correct energetic arc in a conversation. We walk away from boring interactions when we refuse to add that bit of tension about an idea that our body craves to resolve. I think we're afraid but curious about what would happen if we created that energy with someone else. With certain people, we can express exactly what we think, but it's not the same satisfaction that we would get if we said what we think to someone with whom it might create that tense harmony that we would then want to resolve. Or, to leave unresolved (if we're feeling extra spicy).
This such a great realization and interesting to have noticed it during a seasonal shift that you may not have noticed if you didn't take your trip. Shrinking yourself is such a great way to put it too, because you don't often realize in the moment when you are not allowing yourself to be all you can be. This advice to stay true to yourself which allows you to find YOUR people is very valuable to me. Especially being in a creative field like myself (design) because my input is very valuable and i shouldnt put a cap on it when it can really be positive for a project or expanding a friendship at work. Thanks for writing this!
This all resonates with me very much, as someone who is constantly being agreeable even when it goes against my authentic self. If you haven't already, I would recommend spending a season of your life in France and with French people - they are socialized to be disagreeable (which comes off as jarring at first to North Americans), to question everything, to give honest feedback often. I think there is a balance that could be found somewhere in the middle, having experienced both. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts :)
Not done reading yet, but I deeply relate to the aggressive learner comments. I’ve grappled all my life with not being able to accept something into my brain and model of reality without _understanding_ it, being able to fit it into my mental ecosystem/toolbox with all the connections intrinsic to it
Harmony is a really interesting word because it's inherently musical. Some harmony and rhythm is dissonant and some is assonant. Sometimes I feel like what people call social harmony isn't even harmony, it's just unison--same note with the same rhythm. I feel like good social harmony (like good musical harmony) is able to ride the line between tension and release--to seek a true arc where a conversation is both challenging but also where you're playing on the same team to create release. One has to bend their own note in order to work with the other note, and experiment to see what harmony creates the best arc. If you introduce tensions into a conversation because you feel you resonate with a certain pitch, but aren't willing to bend that pitch to a release, I feel it's sort of an unsatisfying social interaction.
If I agree with someone, it's fun to let go of that agreement and seek a bit of tension. Asking probing questions that might make them feel a sense of discomfort but discover something new, maybe a disagreement that exists underneath the agreement. That adds tension to the social harmony which you can then release.
If I disagree, it's fun to let go of that POV and seek a but more assonance. Relating emotionally and dialling into a space where playfulness is rewarded over conflict and we can create good resonance. If there's already a lot of tension, taking the journey back to release might be started without trying to find more tension.
Exploring these conversations as an energetic interaction creates a different form of authenticity. There's an energy we want to occupy. Sometimes that energy is compassion. Sometimes that energy is playfulness. Sometimes that energy is exploration. Sometimes it's disagreement! I think that what we seek isn't just to say what we think, but to find that correct energetic arc in a conversation. We walk away from boring interactions when we refuse to add that bit of tension about an idea that our body craves to resolve. I think we're afraid but curious about what would happen if we created that energy with someone else. With certain people, we can express exactly what we think, but it's not the same satisfaction that we would get if we said what we think to someone with whom it might create that tense harmony that we would then want to resolve. Or, to leave unresolved (if we're feeling extra spicy).
This such a great realization and interesting to have noticed it during a seasonal shift that you may not have noticed if you didn't take your trip. Shrinking yourself is such a great way to put it too, because you don't often realize in the moment when you are not allowing yourself to be all you can be. This advice to stay true to yourself which allows you to find YOUR people is very valuable to me. Especially being in a creative field like myself (design) because my input is very valuable and i shouldnt put a cap on it when it can really be positive for a project or expanding a friendship at work. Thanks for writing this!
This all resonates with me very much, as someone who is constantly being agreeable even when it goes against my authentic self. If you haven't already, I would recommend spending a season of your life in France and with French people - they are socialized to be disagreeable (which comes off as jarring at first to North Americans), to question everything, to give honest feedback often. I think there is a balance that could be found somewhere in the middle, having experienced both. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts :)
Not done reading yet, but I deeply relate to the aggressive learner comments. I’ve grappled all my life with not being able to accept something into my brain and model of reality without _understanding_ it, being able to fit it into my mental ecosystem/toolbox with all the connections intrinsic to it